“Would you like to go to Taiwan? The sisters there need help and I thought of you.” The voice was that of the Superior General. Go to Taiwan? The Far East? The dream I had nourished since childhood was about to come true! I needed a passport and a white habit. I had to say goodbye to my parents and other relatives…. Everything happened quickly and finally, on 30 November 1976–my birthday–I left for Asia.
It was the first time I had ever left Italy and also my first time on an airplane. Once seated in the cabin, I watched the other passengers board the plane, while within me churned a mix of emotions: fear, memories and many questions, all colliding with one another with great force, like the sound of the plane engine, which was steadily increasing in preparation for take-off.
I realized that the time to detach myself from my homeland had arrived: I was leaving all the people I knew and loved, who had left their mark on my life. The thought made me shiver and I had to clutch the edge of my seat to reassure myself that I was still anchored to the earth. A doubt rose in my mind: would I be able to make this detachment? I felt warm tears trickling down my cheeks as it came home to me that everything I was leaving was very precious to me and that the path opening before me looked very uncertain.
My meeting with the sisters of the community, the babble of a completely unknown language, the new kinds of food and customs… to me, everything was a source of amazement, curiosity and joy. I wanted to absorb this new world and make it my own, thus fulfilling the dream I had nourished and watered with countless prayers and small sacrifices from my earliest years.
But even the most beautiful dream has its moments of brusque awakening and those moments were not easy for me. Little by little the various aspects of my situation lost their glamor and I would find myself “knocked out” like a boxer when the routine of daily life sapped my joy like punches bruising my stomach. A flood of questions disturbed my peace and raised menacing doubts in my heart. Had I been completely wrong? Why wasn’t the Lord supporting me and smoothing the path I was walking in and for his name?
But I came to my senses and realized that I had not been vigilant enough. I thought I had done a lot for the Lord–after all, hadn’t I detached myself from everything for his sake? Unfortunately, I hadn’t detached myself from myself.
Healed and liberated by the Lord of Life, I re-embraced my life with the fresh understanding that mission is not a personal possession–an ability to be cultivated like an art, according to my own interests. It is not a personal conquest, nor is it a place. Instead it is a free gift from the Lord. It is a living Person who, through me and with me, wants to transform people into his disciples so that we can witness to him all together.
One day, a young girl asked me if I didn’t feel homesick for my parents and my homeland. I said yes, I felt that nostalgia very much. Confused, she asked, “Then why do you remain here, in such a different culture, so far from the people you love?”
The only answer I could give her was the one the Master himself had helped me discover. “I remain here,” I said, “because God chose me and sent me out on his behalf. In him, I still possess everything I left behind and much more.”
The young woman said in awe: “Your God must be very important to you and also very powerful if he is able to help you rise above such profound feelings.”
Today, from the midst of my weakness, I feel the truth of the words of Pope Francis: “Never grow tired of traveling the paths of the world. Remember that it is very important to keep moving ahead, even if your steps are faltering and clumsy. It is much better to do this than to remain barricaded behind your questions or behind the things that make you feel secure. The passion for mission, the joy of meeting Christ that urges you to share the beauty of the Faith with others, reduces a person’s risk of remaining trapped in individualism.”
May Jesus Master help us all to follow him with fidelity and joy and may he support our efforts to “remain vigilant during the night, awaiting the dawn of a new day.”
Giulietta Loda, fsp.